Silent
by Pureauthor
Summary: For years he had watched in silence... Oneshot. R


Well… I did this fic for a… strange reason. I've seen plenty of Lighthouseshippers (not all on this site) write fics in which Felix loves Sheba, but Sheba loves Ivan, and Felix pines for her. And in the end, Ivan gets hurt, he doesn't return her love, etc, and Sheba goes off to marry Felix.

That got me thinking. After all, given canon, wouldn't it be a lot more sensible for that to be the other way round? And me, being the Lighthouseshipper that I am (not), got hit by a bolt of inspiration from the heavens. And here we are.

Let's begin, shall we?

I don't own anything.

She chose Felix.

You know, given the existing choices, this was a foregone conclusion. Right from the get-go. I mean- hell, he jumped of a freakin' lighthouse for her. I lay on the ground and tried to get my leg muscles to work. Now _that_ was compeition.

They're getting married today. Based on Sol's position, the ceremony starts in about an hour. They invited me, of course. It's not as if Sheba _knows_ she's driving a dagger through my heart. Then again, I'm pretty sure, neither does Felix.

Love is as love does, I suppose. Maybe this isn't really love. Just- just- what do you call those? Crushes. Yeah, tiny little scraps of affection. Isn't really love. No, it's not love at all when I lie in my bed every night upwards of an hour and spend the entire time thinking of her.

Or maybe it's the other extreme. Maybe it's obsession, and Sheba doesn't want to be anywhere near someone whos obsessed. Not near enough for _those_ kinds of relationships, anyway.

And seriously, what am I doing? Nothing. For- what, three years?- I've watched in silence as she and Felix courted each other, their flirting on our journey, long nights in the inn when they thought everyone was asleep and she slipped into his room. I'm _pretty_ sure nothing really indecent went on it there. 'Course, Isaac and Mia and Garet and Jenna were busy with the same thing. They just chose different time slots, and me and Picard just rolled our eyes as we heard the floorboards creak, and the muted cursing.

I wanted to cry. But I didn't.

You know, when it was just me and Sheba… just the two of us alone… that's when I felt special. She had that smile. The kind that made you feel like you were on the top of the world. You could take on anything. That's what it felt like.

And of course, these are the stupid thoughts of a stupid eighteen-year old who is too stupid to tell the girl of his dreams that he loves her. At the rate I'm going, no wonder Sheba picked Felix over me.

Or maybe I should rephrase that. At the rate I'm going, no wonder Sheba never considered me as an option in the first place.

They say you can't go back. As far as I know, they're right. If we could, I'd have done lots of things differently. Like the character in this book I've read. I'd have told her. I'd have told her everyday from the moment I met her. I loved her. I loved Sheba.

But I didn't. And now I couldn't. I couldn't do a whole lot but sit here with my arms around my legs and my head resting on my knees on what remains of Mt. Aleph, staring down at the people below.

They're laughing. Celebrating. Having a good time. Three weddings. Three years. Maybe there's something symbolic about it. Or maybe Fate is doing his best to hit me in the gut as many times as possible.

()()()()()

It was said by some astrologer a few millennia back that men are naturally masochists. They gravitate towards pain, and tend to hurt themselves for no good reason.

Considering that I'm at the wedding celebration, staring at the two of them, with a fake smile so wide it's strange no one has mistaken me for a bear trap, I'm inclined to agree with him, whoever he was.

His arm is around her neck, she's looking up at him and smiling, and Isaac and Garet are all beaming. Oh, right. Today is supposed to be _happy_. Smile, damn you. Smile. Keep that damn grin on your face as long as possible before you crack and bolt from the table.

Sheba turns over and catches a glimpse of me. She has that quizzical look on her face, like she's trying to figure something out. Like what I'm doing sitting at the sidelines while all her close friends are around here congratulating her.

As I climb to my feet, I am suddenly aware that I feel like I have all the leg coordination of a two-year old. A two-year old whose feet happen to have been made of wood. As I stumble towards the area where all my friends are congregating, I wonder… is this my lot in life?

For as long as I can remember, I have been alone. I was shunned by the citizens of Kalay, I had no friends. When I joined this group, I had no one _special_ to turn to. Isaac and Garet were best friends even before the whole trip. Jenna and Felix… they were brother and sister, not to mention friends of Isaac and Garet. And Felix found a kinship in Picard.

I was the wallflower, always. I rarely had anything to talk about with the others. I joined with Isaac and Garet back then mainly because… hey, saving the world was the right thing to do.

As I stand in front of Sheba, I realize Felix isn't looking. Isaac and Mia have wandered off, and Jenna's trying to stop Garet from scoffing all the food. We're alone in a crowd, just the two of us.

My mouth feels like sandpaper. Not that I can find even the right words to say anything. But Sheba's waiting. Waiting for me to tell her how happy I am for her, to be able to spend her life with the man she loves.

It's all I can do not to curl up into a ball and start weeping.

Forcing my mouth open like it was made of rusty iron, I managed to squeeze out five syllables. "Congratulations." Maybe now I can go look for a rock to hide under.

Or not. Isaac just went on the stage and began giving a speech about how Sheba and Felix met. And it seems Garet's waiting his turn. I'm going to go hide somewhere. Maybe the bathroom.

()()()()()

The party's over, from what I can see. I've been staring out my window for who knows how long. Not moving, not eating. Just sitting, staring at Felix and Sheba dancing in the pale moonlight. They've long gone home now, and I'm staring at the plaza. At the psynergy stone glowing.

It's been like this for as long as I can remember. Just watching. Silent. Never one to talk out about it. Just silently watching, waiting. Hoping that one day she would love me while doing nothing at all to deserve her love.

She's too good for me, that much I know. Felix can make her happy. He's proved that enough times for me to doubt that. She'll be fine. I won't. Not here in this village. Staying close by to them, and more accurately, _her_, will drive me insane. If it hasn't already.

Master Hammet will always be willing to take me in, and if he isn't… Weyard's a big place. There's always someplace for me to go. Just as long as I can get away. Get away from the damned smile that makes my heart ache and is never directed at me.

If I were a stronger person, I'd be able to bear it, I guess. But I'm not. I'm just a weak cowardly fool who can't say anything, and just watch in silence.

Just a fool…

()()()()()

Done and done. You make you own conclusion over how this ends, but considering I wrote this half asleep, (And with a jackhammer doing some renovating in my skull) I'm not too sure of the quality of the work.

(rereads whole thing)

Enh, passable.

Review, thanks. OR I WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND FEED IT TO… well, some demon or other. No shortage of 'em around.


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